Emotion

So I wasn’t going to update today.  Primarily because I was not in the mood to do it and I was lazy.  I had a good day overall**.  I went bowling with the parents this afternoon.  Mom fixed a wonderful home cooked meal for New Years.  It was delicious and fab.  Additionally, we again had family game night and it was enjoyable.  I helped mom do some stuff today, and I got a few small things done as well.

**However, as the day progressed, I progressively felt more and more sad, lonely, depressed, anxious.  This is because the fact that I only have 4 more days at home hit me.  I will be going back to school on Saturday or Sunday.  I haven’t decided yet…and I am not sure when I will.  I am in no mood to think about it now.  If I move back on Sun, I have more time to get ready, pack, and more time to spend at home.  I think I will be able to unpack in one day and prepare for classes.  However, if I move back on Saturday, I may spend the evening alone, quiet, depressed, etc in the empty dorms on a barren campus.  I don’t want to make the somber occasion of leaving home and more difficult.

Going to school this fall was so exciting.  I was ready for it.  I was excited for it.  I WANTED to go back.  I have none of those feelings for this winter quarter.  In fact, I have quite the opposite feelings.  I am sad, depressed, dreading it, and already homesick before I even leave.  It has something to do with some bad experiences last quarter, the VERY long break and time at home, and also the depressing nature of Winter itself.  I have a single dorm room, of which I mostly enjoy.  However, it gets extremely lonely and depressing sometimes.  The white walls are so close, it is so dull and boring.  It makes me crazy and depressed sometimes.  I like the freedom of my own room, but I miss living with another being.  It was exciting to have visitors last year…and to be social.  I miss that.  Moreover, I don’t have any friends in my dorm complex…and I resent that greatly…as I am sure it would help.  So, I just want to make sure that when I go back, I have people to hang out with.  I don’t want to be stuck in another night with no plans when all of my friends do their own thing.  I hate that.  I don’t want any conflicts.  No drama, etc.  I want to maintain the current friendships I have as well as meet new people and make new friends.  I want to add to my group.  I feel as though I don’t have enough friends, I am insecure about it, and that is one big thing.

I have become a fuddy duddy again over break, adjusted to my home life, and my life before college.  Break was extremely good to me, home, mom, family, etc was so good, I don’t want to leave it all again.  I am not the adventurous type…at all.  I like to stick to my ways and what I am comfy/happy with.   Returning to school and the unknown freaks me out.  I am a weak person, with low self worth, and I just can’t cope sometimes.

I need help. support.  friends. and love.  I have goals for this quarter.  and I want to get through it without completely crumbling.

I just need to suck it up, face my fear, return to school, and cope.  Hopefully things will work out and be ok.  I know it most likely will be.  But I doubt myself too much.  UGH.  I need to stop.

Basically thats it for now.  I had planed to go to bed much earlier tonight in order to clear my mind, get up early when things are fresh and not 12 pm.  I need to think, ponder, talk to a friend or two…and move on.

Much to do in the next few days.  I have to pack, shop, run errands, laundry, etc.  All of which I dream much.  Wish me luck.

Hopefully some good energy flows my way and I improve soon.  I’ll keep you posted and try to blog again shortly.

creeper alert

Today was a day filled with traveling and visiting family. I spend most of the day at my father’s house, which was actually quite enjoyable. Then for dinner, we went to my step-mom’s extended family’s xmas get together. It was nice. I went for the food and to visit with my father and our close sector of that particular family. it was nice until after we got done eating and things got awkward. I don’t really know that family well…so for me to visit with them is almost unbearably difficult. They don’t know me well…and I know them even less. So it was interesting to say the least…but it didn’t last long.

I then left for my home and on the way home I ran into some snow covered roads and lots of wind. Apparently the PT Cruiser 384792834790 cars in front of me decided it was absolutely to drive between 10 and 25MPH on a highway rated for 55MPH. UGH. The roads weren’t even bad. So, I was pissed off. Then when I came home and was greeted by my mother, I became more infuriated. Something about her and then holidays makes her became crabby…and make me not get along with her very much. It is a shame…and i feel bad for being so pissed off at her, but I just can’t help having a snotty attitude towards her. I just wished she actually listened to me and what I said so I wouldn’t have to explain myself to her 345 times and then i wish she would loose the tude. I would do the same if she were willing to act a little nicer. This is the problem with break and holidays. Too much time at home with nothing to do and being surrounded by one another 24/7. Its bad.

BUT BUT BUT…getting to my CREEPER story…

I got home tonight and logged onto my computer and checked my e-mail. I got a message from good ole Facebook (which I loving refer to as stalker book). It seems that one of my mother’s friend’s husband requested my friendship. I find it awkward and weird that anyone over the age of 30 would have a facebook. This is just one of the reasons I do not like facebook opening up to ppl with out a .edu address. I didn’t have a facebook when I was in HS, so all of these stupid teenie boppers from HS who add me as a friend on facebook piss me off and shouldn’t be allowed in my opinion. It would also prevent the current situation I am in right now. I mean with the apps and no restrictions, facebook is becoming myspace and I don’t like it . So…back to my story and stepping off of my soap box. I find that I get this friend request from a man I see MAYBE once or twice a year. And, I don’t know why he would want to add me as a friend on facebook. So, I also got a message from him (which was more of a happy holiday greeting), but still. So, I checked his profile and it contained the following information:

-Birth Date

-E-mail Address

-Company

-College info.

Thats it. no pic and nothing else. no friends either. so I am hoping that he didn’t create an account with the sole intention of adding me a friend on there. CREEPY. So, I decided to be civil, yet cautious. I added him as a friend with the caveat that he could only see a limited profile…which I stripped down to basically nothing. Work info, college info, and basics. Thats it. I dont know that I want this man looking at my quotes, pics, wall posts, etc. I mean he wouldn’t get it I know, and would probably take offense to some of it, which my college ppl don’t have a problem at all. And, my luck, it would get back to my mother…ahhh! Not to mention I don’t want him looking through my photo archives and seeing my drunken antic pics. jeesh.

So…thats that. But I am still kinds shocked and creeped out by it. ick!

Of course I mention this to my mother and she says “I told you not to post anything on the internet that would get you in trouble” Anyone can see it blah blah blah blah. Appearently she doesn’t get the security settings that I don’t let just anyone view my profile. And besides, there isn’t much on there that would get me into REAL trouble…minus some pictures. But, next year that will be all ok.

I mean I understand the internet can be a creepy place. And I don’t want to ever post anything that would potentially harm myself or others. And, I think i use discretion while posting things. Its just…natural to me. And to adults, the internet is still this strange, mystical thing. It makes me worry about some of the things I have posted previously (and on here, facebook, etc) and in the future. The scariest thing is it never goes away. But, I think it is all ok. But the longer I write this and think about it, the more freaked out I get by it. So, I am going to stop.

So folks, thats my story. Leave your comments, thoughts, etc. Especially on the facebook incident.

And, what do you guys think about the internet and things you post there? I am really interested in hearing what you guys have to say about it. SO please, fire away those comments!

Until later…

D

Jingle Jingle

So today is my family Christmas party…at my house. We are expecting 30 people…give or take. Hopefully it goes well. My mom is all stressed out about it and always makes such a production out of it. That, in turn, pisses us all off because she freaks out the whole day about nothing, then she gets this attitude and EVERYONE ends up pissed off by the end of the day. JOY! I can’t wait…

BUT BUT BUT, I am excited for food, family, lots of home cooked sweets and such. I will probably gain 5pounds today alone. ick. AND, my break workout is failing miserably. I haven’t lost ANY weight…probably just gained more. What can you do? lol. Hopefully winter quarter I will make it to Ping and loose some bear fat. gross.

Sorry I did not blog/video blog last night. I came home from work and did a few things, ate some dinner, caught up on online schtuff and then at 9:00 I got the urge to bake and cook. So, I make sugar cookies (with misc shapes of holiday figures). I made the batter, rolled them out, cut them, baked them, and then iced them after they were done cooling. I also make scotceroo’s. My absolute favorite thing ever. So, I made a double batch (because I could and I am good like that). I am proud of myself for knowing how to do all of that stuff on my own. I will have you know that the rest of the family decided to sleep and NOT help me/partake in the holiday spirit…so I did it myself. (and in case you were wondering – Scotcheroo’s contain about your yearly allotment of calories…could explain why I am so obese).

So, I did dishes, cleaned up, watched the soup and went to bed. No time/energy to experiment with the Vblog. Maybe some other time.

However, the next few days will be busy for me (as I suspect it will for all of you). I will be visiting my Dad tomorrow and then monday and tuesday are packed with events as well. I will try to blog when and if I can. Stay tuned!

D

EDIT:

PS:  annie lennox’s “walking in a winter wonderland” is quite possibly my favorite song of hers.  It is so “eurythmics” and her style.  It makes me laugh…a wee bit.

However, not quite as good as “Sex Crime”.  You tube that shit for a kick ass music video!