Hello, Goodbye

As soon as break started, it is over.  7 weeks flew by.  I had a great time.  I honestly did.  Work, money, family, a wee bit of fun, and some R&R time.  I got to clear my mind and literally take a break for a while.  I needed it.  I also spent some quality time with my mother.  We had a great time together over break and I really enjoyed it.  Lots of fun little trips.  Plus, the holidays, presents, Christmas time, etc.  It was good.

I am done packing now, minus the last minute things in the morning.  I am planning on heading out VERY early to be at school by lunch time.  Unpacking and re-adjusting all afternoon, and then hopefully re-uniting with friends in the evening.  I am still experiencing mixed emotions, but I think I will get over it shortly…or at least I hope.  I am excited for college atmosphere again, friends, social activities, classes with friends and meals together.  But, I am dreading being a lone, bored, depressed, and stranded during WINTER.  bleh.

In other news, my phone decided to power off randomly repeatedly today.  So, basically it isn’t functioning.  SO, I spoke to foreign ppl all afternooon and so did my step dad.  We also stopped by a store to try and resolve it.  no luck.  So, in 5 business days, I will hopefully be recieving a funcitoning, new phone in the mail.  w00t.   Until then, I am hoping it will work.

wish me luck in all of these endeavors.  Hopefully the move goes well and it is a good quarter.  It will be hard to control my emotions as I leave home and say goodbye to mom tomorrow morning, but I will have to be a man and deal with it.  I have become such a fuddy duddy, baby, and a homebody of late.  I hate it.   I need change…and perhaps some help.

Until I get settled at college and find the time to blog again,

D

I’m not ignoring you…

I have just been really busy with stuff aka getting ready to move back to College.  I had a rather lengthy phone conversation with one of my very best friends from school after I posted my “emotion” blog.  We discussed many things, including our reservations to return to school.  Winter quarter for me last year was a drag, and I am just dreading it this year.  I think I have that seasonal depression disorder thing, because every winter I get sad when all of the plants die and the sun goes away for ever.  But, My phone call helped me out a lot.  It is always great to talk to a friend, especially a good, close one who has lots of advice.  So, thanks…I appreciated it.  It also made me feel a bit better to return to school.  We already set up our Christmas gift exchange of which I am happy about, and there is a Dance or Die next Thursday, which I can barely wait for.

This coming week will be so busy, I don’t know what I am going to do.  I have so many welcome back meetings and such…it is overwhelming.  Classes shouldn’t be too bad, especially on syllabus day (monday).  I decided I am going to move in on Sunday because I don’t need the extra day…and I want to avoid being alone in the empty dorm.  I can move back, unpack, run errands, clean, etc before I go to bed, so I will be fine.  Plus, I will have plenty of opportunities to get stuff done off and on this coming week.  My father is taking me back, which will hopefully help things a little bit.  I will be over saying goodbye to my mom by the time the 3 hour drive is over (i hope).

So, as I had mentioned I have been busy with packing and errands.  I got my hair cut, met my mom for lunch, visited my grandma, went over to my dad’s for dinner last night, etc etc.  Today is a day of heavy duty packing.  I will have most of it done today.  I need to get in gear however.  It is already 11am and I haven’t showered, so I need to step on it.

So, as I close break, leave home, and return to school, keep me in your thoughts and wish me the best.  I will be fine once I get back there and adjusted…I just hate the transition.  Also, don’t expect an update for a few days at least.  I will be uber busy…and time will be hard to come by when I get back to college.  I will post when I can.

D

Emotion

So I wasn’t going to update today.  Primarily because I was not in the mood to do it and I was lazy.  I had a good day overall**.  I went bowling with the parents this afternoon.  Mom fixed a wonderful home cooked meal for New Years.  It was delicious and fab.  Additionally, we again had family game night and it was enjoyable.  I helped mom do some stuff today, and I got a few small things done as well.

**However, as the day progressed, I progressively felt more and more sad, lonely, depressed, anxious.  This is because the fact that I only have 4 more days at home hit me.  I will be going back to school on Saturday or Sunday.  I haven’t decided yet…and I am not sure when I will.  I am in no mood to think about it now.  If I move back on Sun, I have more time to get ready, pack, and more time to spend at home.  I think I will be able to unpack in one day and prepare for classes.  However, if I move back on Saturday, I may spend the evening alone, quiet, depressed, etc in the empty dorms on a barren campus.  I don’t want to make the somber occasion of leaving home and more difficult.

Going to school this fall was so exciting.  I was ready for it.  I was excited for it.  I WANTED to go back.  I have none of those feelings for this winter quarter.  In fact, I have quite the opposite feelings.  I am sad, depressed, dreading it, and already homesick before I even leave.  It has something to do with some bad experiences last quarter, the VERY long break and time at home, and also the depressing nature of Winter itself.  I have a single dorm room, of which I mostly enjoy.  However, it gets extremely lonely and depressing sometimes.  The white walls are so close, it is so dull and boring.  It makes me crazy and depressed sometimes.  I like the freedom of my own room, but I miss living with another being.  It was exciting to have visitors last year…and to be social.  I miss that.  Moreover, I don’t have any friends in my dorm complex…and I resent that greatly…as I am sure it would help.  So, I just want to make sure that when I go back, I have people to hang out with.  I don’t want to be stuck in another night with no plans when all of my friends do their own thing.  I hate that.  I don’t want any conflicts.  No drama, etc.  I want to maintain the current friendships I have as well as meet new people and make new friends.  I want to add to my group.  I feel as though I don’t have enough friends, I am insecure about it, and that is one big thing.

I have become a fuddy duddy again over break, adjusted to my home life, and my life before college.  Break was extremely good to me, home, mom, family, etc was so good, I don’t want to leave it all again.  I am not the adventurous type…at all.  I like to stick to my ways and what I am comfy/happy with.   Returning to school and the unknown freaks me out.  I am a weak person, with low self worth, and I just can’t cope sometimes.

I need help. support.  friends. and love.  I have goals for this quarter.  and I want to get through it without completely crumbling.

I just need to suck it up, face my fear, return to school, and cope.  Hopefully things will work out and be ok.  I know it most likely will be.  But I doubt myself too much.  UGH.  I need to stop.

Basically thats it for now.  I had planed to go to bed much earlier tonight in order to clear my mind, get up early when things are fresh and not 12 pm.  I need to think, ponder, talk to a friend or two…and move on.

Much to do in the next few days.  I have to pack, shop, run errands, laundry, etc.  All of which I dream much.  Wish me luck.

Hopefully some good energy flows my way and I improve soon.  I’ll keep you posted and try to blog again shortly.