I’m not ignoring you…

I have just been really busy with stuff aka getting ready to move back to College.  I had a rather lengthy phone conversation with one of my very best friends from school after I posted my “emotion” blog.  We discussed many things, including our reservations to return to school.  Winter quarter for me last year was a drag, and I am just dreading it this year.  I think I have that seasonal depression disorder thing, because every winter I get sad when all of the plants die and the sun goes away for ever.  But, My phone call helped me out a lot.  It is always great to talk to a friend, especially a good, close one who has lots of advice.  So, thanks…I appreciated it.  It also made me feel a bit better to return to school.  We already set up our Christmas gift exchange of which I am happy about, and there is a Dance or Die next Thursday, which I can barely wait for.

This coming week will be so busy, I don’t know what I am going to do.  I have so many welcome back meetings and such…it is overwhelming.  Classes shouldn’t be too bad, especially on syllabus day (monday).  I decided I am going to move in on Sunday because I don’t need the extra day…and I want to avoid being alone in the empty dorm.  I can move back, unpack, run errands, clean, etc before I go to bed, so I will be fine.  Plus, I will have plenty of opportunities to get stuff done off and on this coming week.  My father is taking me back, which will hopefully help things a little bit.  I will be over saying goodbye to my mom by the time the 3 hour drive is over (i hope).

So, as I had mentioned I have been busy with packing and errands.  I got my hair cut, met my mom for lunch, visited my grandma, went over to my dad’s for dinner last night, etc etc.  Today is a day of heavy duty packing.  I will have most of it done today.  I need to get in gear however.  It is already 11am and I haven’t showered, so I need to step on it.

So, as I close break, leave home, and return to school, keep me in your thoughts and wish me the best.  I will be fine once I get back there and adjusted…I just hate the transition.  Also, don’t expect an update for a few days at least.  I will be uber busy…and time will be hard to come by when I get back to college.  I will post when I can.

D

Emotion

So I wasn’t going to update today.  Primarily because I was not in the mood to do it and I was lazy.  I had a good day overall**.  I went bowling with the parents this afternoon.  Mom fixed a wonderful home cooked meal for New Years.  It was delicious and fab.  Additionally, we again had family game night and it was enjoyable.  I helped mom do some stuff today, and I got a few small things done as well.

**However, as the day progressed, I progressively felt more and more sad, lonely, depressed, anxious.  This is because the fact that I only have 4 more days at home hit me.  I will be going back to school on Saturday or Sunday.  I haven’t decided yet…and I am not sure when I will.  I am in no mood to think about it now.  If I move back on Sun, I have more time to get ready, pack, and more time to spend at home.  I think I will be able to unpack in one day and prepare for classes.  However, if I move back on Saturday, I may spend the evening alone, quiet, depressed, etc in the empty dorms on a barren campus.  I don’t want to make the somber occasion of leaving home and more difficult.

Going to school this fall was so exciting.  I was ready for it.  I was excited for it.  I WANTED to go back.  I have none of those feelings for this winter quarter.  In fact, I have quite the opposite feelings.  I am sad, depressed, dreading it, and already homesick before I even leave.  It has something to do with some bad experiences last quarter, the VERY long break and time at home, and also the depressing nature of Winter itself.  I have a single dorm room, of which I mostly enjoy.  However, it gets extremely lonely and depressing sometimes.  The white walls are so close, it is so dull and boring.  It makes me crazy and depressed sometimes.  I like the freedom of my own room, but I miss living with another being.  It was exciting to have visitors last year…and to be social.  I miss that.  Moreover, I don’t have any friends in my dorm complex…and I resent that greatly…as I am sure it would help.  So, I just want to make sure that when I go back, I have people to hang out with.  I don’t want to be stuck in another night with no plans when all of my friends do their own thing.  I hate that.  I don’t want any conflicts.  No drama, etc.  I want to maintain the current friendships I have as well as meet new people and make new friends.  I want to add to my group.  I feel as though I don’t have enough friends, I am insecure about it, and that is one big thing.

I have become a fuddy duddy again over break, adjusted to my home life, and my life before college.  Break was extremely good to me, home, mom, family, etc was so good, I don’t want to leave it all again.  I am not the adventurous type…at all.  I like to stick to my ways and what I am comfy/happy with.   Returning to school and the unknown freaks me out.  I am a weak person, with low self worth, and I just can’t cope sometimes.

I need help. support.  friends. and love.  I have goals for this quarter.  and I want to get through it without completely crumbling.

I just need to suck it up, face my fear, return to school, and cope.  Hopefully things will work out and be ok.  I know it most likely will be.  But I doubt myself too much.  UGH.  I need to stop.

Basically thats it for now.  I had planed to go to bed much earlier tonight in order to clear my mind, get up early when things are fresh and not 12 pm.  I need to think, ponder, talk to a friend or two…and move on.

Much to do in the next few days.  I have to pack, shop, run errands, laundry, etc.  All of which I dream much.  Wish me luck.

Hopefully some good energy flows my way and I improve soon.  I’ll keep you posted and try to blog again shortly.

New Years

Happy New Years to those of you who celebrate it.

As for myself, I hate new years.  I never have any plans or anything special or fancy to do.  So it is just a huge bummer holiday for me.  I actually don’t understand why we celebrate it at all.   Do we celebrate the end/beginning of each month?  NO!  So why celebrate the year.  In my book, it is just another ridiculous day and stupid holiday thing we celebrate.  I hate it.  Its just another day…and a few numbers change.

Plus, I think it is just an excuse to party.  And believe me, I like to party every once and a while, but I don’t have any friends here at home to party with, so it means I am stuck with the family.  Oh joy.  And, it is also an excuse to drink.  Which, I am not 21 yet, so I cannot due.  And since I am with the parents, there is no hope at getting some on the black market to enjoy.  So, it will be diet caffeine free Coke for me tonight.  woo.

So, that is why I hate the new years.  I do believe is starting anew each year and a time for happy beginnings, endings, and resolutions, but other than that it is particularly pointless.

I was going to post an end of the year recap blog thing, but to be quite honest, I am a little under the weather right now, tired, have a headache, and am in a most irritated mood.  So, guess what blog buddies, that means no end of the year recap for all 4 of your to read.  I have better things to do with my time.  Like watch a horrible movie, be lame, become annoyed, spend my evening pissed off, and eventually go to bed.  at 12:05…while all of you are drunk, high as a kite, and kissing everyone in site.  Enjoy if that is your cup of tea.

The rest of the week I will spend in culmination of my break.  Packing, errands, etc, etc, etc.

Oh, and a closing thought.  I am poor, have no job, and have lots of things to pay for.  Without a job, my future looks bright!

Bahhh…I need some happy pills…or some good drugs…or both!