Emotion

So I wasn’t going to update today.  Primarily because I was not in the mood to do it and I was lazy.  I had a good day overall**.  I went bowling with the parents this afternoon.  Mom fixed a wonderful home cooked meal for New Years.  It was delicious and fab.  Additionally, we again had family game night and it was enjoyable.  I helped mom do some stuff today, and I got a few small things done as well.

**However, as the day progressed, I progressively felt more and more sad, lonely, depressed, anxious.  This is because the fact that I only have 4 more days at home hit me.  I will be going back to school on Saturday or Sunday.  I haven’t decided yet…and I am not sure when I will.  I am in no mood to think about it now.  If I move back on Sun, I have more time to get ready, pack, and more time to spend at home.  I think I will be able to unpack in one day and prepare for classes.  However, if I move back on Saturday, I may spend the evening alone, quiet, depressed, etc in the empty dorms on a barren campus.  I don’t want to make the somber occasion of leaving home and more difficult.

Going to school this fall was so exciting.  I was ready for it.  I was excited for it.  I WANTED to go back.  I have none of those feelings for this winter quarter.  In fact, I have quite the opposite feelings.  I am sad, depressed, dreading it, and already homesick before I even leave.  It has something to do with some bad experiences last quarter, the VERY long break and time at home, and also the depressing nature of Winter itself.  I have a single dorm room, of which I mostly enjoy.  However, it gets extremely lonely and depressing sometimes.  The white walls are so close, it is so dull and boring.  It makes me crazy and depressed sometimes.  I like the freedom of my own room, but I miss living with another being.  It was exciting to have visitors last year…and to be social.  I miss that.  Moreover, I don’t have any friends in my dorm complex…and I resent that greatly…as I am sure it would help.  So, I just want to make sure that when I go back, I have people to hang out with.  I don’t want to be stuck in another night with no plans when all of my friends do their own thing.  I hate that.  I don’t want any conflicts.  No drama, etc.  I want to maintain the current friendships I have as well as meet new people and make new friends.  I want to add to my group.  I feel as though I don’t have enough friends, I am insecure about it, and that is one big thing.

I have become a fuddy duddy again over break, adjusted to my home life, and my life before college.  Break was extremely good to me, home, mom, family, etc was so good, I don’t want to leave it all again.  I am not the adventurous type…at all.  I like to stick to my ways and what I am comfy/happy with.   Returning to school and the unknown freaks me out.  I am a weak person, with low self worth, and I just can’t cope sometimes.

I need help. support.  friends. and love.  I have goals for this quarter.  and I want to get through it without completely crumbling.

I just need to suck it up, face my fear, return to school, and cope.  Hopefully things will work out and be ok.  I know it most likely will be.  But I doubt myself too much.  UGH.  I need to stop.

Basically thats it for now.  I had planed to go to bed much earlier tonight in order to clear my mind, get up early when things are fresh and not 12 pm.  I need to think, ponder, talk to a friend or two…and move on.

Much to do in the next few days.  I have to pack, shop, run errands, laundry, etc.  All of which I dream much.  Wish me luck.

Hopefully some good energy flows my way and I improve soon.  I’ll keep you posted and try to blog again shortly.